


Remembrance

by Kieran (Ameenjouee)



Category: DCU (Comics), Green Lantern (Comics)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:21:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24119431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ameenjouee/pseuds/Kieran
Summary: Closure never comes easily, least of all to those who feel like they don't deserve to have it.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Remembrance

_ “Hey, I bet you thought I wouldn’t remember you,”  _

And funny thing was, there were times where Kyle could almost forget. He could forget Alex and her support and her death and how he’d loved her with everything he was, how her death had broken such a core part of himself that he wasn’t sure he knew how to be that person anymore, nevermind a  _ Green Lantern.  _

Those times never lasted. It seemed like every time he got close, his mind would betray him, give him a new detail that he’d nearly forgotten, or he’d wake up from a dream where she was still alive, and it was like losing her all over again. 

But some things he never could forget: how he’d always fought with her over stupid shit, how he’d never told her he loved her because he thought he’d regret it, the look on her face when he’d given her roses for the first time. 

Small little details that, to anyone else, wouldn’t be important had somehow became the most important thing in the world to Kyle - small expressions or rose petals made appearances in his drawings more after she was gone. 

And he’d talk to anyone who’d listen. And sometimes to people who wouldn’t. But he never could say her name to them. No, no he was too selfish to share her with them, too broken to admit that he’d cost himself the only person who had ever truly known him. 

“ _ I uh - roses. I brought you some roses. Real ones this time, since I’m here for a little while. I’m sorry it’s been a while, and I know they… I know the roses don’t make up for anything, but I know how you love them.” _

Sometimes, it took everything in himself, every ounce of willpower he possessed just to get through a day without her. And he knew that sounded needy, but she had been the first one to believe in him at the start of all this. 

Hell, even before he became a Lantern, she’d believed in him when he least deserved her belief, her trust, her  _ love _ . 

What he wouldn’t trade to have another minute with her, just to let her know how much it had meant to him. How much  _ she _ had meant to him. 

Other days, he’d cave in, letting his misery show cleanly on his face for everyone to see. But that was only if he was around anyone else that day. No, usually, those days were ones where he said fuck it, the universe could take care of itself for a while. Those were the days that he’d lock himself away and stay curled on his couch wrapped in a blanket he’d taken from Alex’s apartment before he moved to New York after her death. 

“ _ I know I just missed your birthday. I wish I’d been able to make it but I wasn’t here. I wasn’t on Earth, even. I remembered, though. I still have that picture of you, you know. The one you took yourself on a timer. I just… I sat there and talked to it like it was you. And I wish it had been you, because you should be here. You  _ **_would_ ** _ be here if not for me putting you in danger, and I’m so sorry. I hate that I caused this, you deserved so much more.” _

The hardest part, Kyle thought, was that everyone had experienced a similar loss. And they all grew from it. 

All of them but Kyle. 

He couldn’t do that. No, if he moved past this, he was betraying her memory more than he already had. 

And boy if that didn’t piss people off. 

But he didn’t care. 

It took Guy setting him down on Oa with a drink, and an hour to get him talking. 

He walked away lighter, but still holding a sadness that he didn’t know how to deal with. 

This time, when he returned to Earth, he was only there for a couple of days, but his first stop after he’d gotten there was a flower shop, then the gravesite. 

He gave a small smile as he knelt down, clearing dead leaves off the grave before he set the flowers down and started talking. 

“Hey Alex. I’m home for a few days, so I just wanted to stop by and say I understand now. I still don’t know how to live with what I caused but…. I know I have to. Wherever you are, I hope you know I love you. That I’m trying to be the person you always seemed to know I could be.” 


End file.
